You might be thinking that this is just another one of those articles about how to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse. But this is far more practical. Let’s face facts. There is only a very slim possibility that you will be one of the few lucky living people during that time — estimates place the likelihood below one percent. It is almost a certainty that you will be one of the unliving, a stumbling, cretinous minion of the dead. So it only makes sense to take some prudent precautions and prepare for what will, for most of us, become the inevitable future.
Let’s start by dispelling some myths about zombies. First of all, zombie is not a virus. There seems to be a lot of disinformation floating around out there about the transmission and epidemiology of zombification, as though it were simply a disease to be contracted and passed on. This is not an entirely unfounded misinterpretation: when people are bitten by zombies, they often become zombies themselves. But this is not because of some old wives tale about a zombie virus. It is because zombies’ mouths are a breeding ground absolutely filled with very toxic bacteria, not least Ebola, tetanus, and rabies. Without an immune system to counteract the proliferation of bacteria and diseases in the zombie body, it is no wonder that their bite can create a very serious infection in the living. So, the fever, chills, and swelling around the bite area are often mistaken for a specific zombie virus. In itself, it is not necessarily fatal, but in most cases you are going to die. And since hell will be full at that time, you will have to wander the earth aimlessly as a zombie.
Another myth about the coming zompocalypse is severing the head from a zombie will kill It. Look, they are already dead, but cutting off the head won’t stop it from moving around. Its cells will remain animate until each one is ruptured or incinerated. However, once the head is removed, it’s not like the head can tell the body what to do – putting you, as a zombie, in a difficult situation.
Finally, zombies can’t run. That’s just a bunch of Hollywood nonsense where they try to sensationalize the fear factor surrounding dead people walking around. It is a scientifically proven fact that zombies lack the coordination and focus to run.
Now that we have cleared up some of the misconceptions, it would be advisable to move on to some of the more practical considerations that the vast majority of us will have to face. I know what you are thinking. Believe me, I know. “Not me. Not me.” I can hear it now. Yes, none of us want to face the reality that statistically we are destined to joining the ranks of the morbidly deceased. May you be so blessed as not to. Hey, we all want to win the lottery too, but we need a back-up plan. So, in the case of having made “the turn,” let’s take a calm and sober look at what we can expect.
First of all, don’t panic. Sure, becoming a zombie can be a confusing awkward time where your body will be going through some new and strange feelings, but it can also be one of the most exciting times. It’s just that you will never feel excitement again. You will feel blood pool up in your extremities and coagulate. You will never have to sleep again, or work, or pay bills. Pain will be but a dull sensation.